18 Months!

Motherhood is... amazing. What's even more amazing is being a mother to my little love bug. Morgan is incredible.

She is all of these things:

Funny
Goofy
Smart
Observant
Inquisitive
Gentle
Cuddly
Laid back
Introverted

She is also in full blown toddler mode. She has discovered tantrums and has attempted to exercise her manipulative prowess, which I think (hope) we have disallowed enough that it won't become a long term issue!

I've never known a love like this. A love that means she can be horrible (toddler!) to me one second and in the next, with a flashy grin or snuggle into my chest, completely washes away any bad feelings. I want so much for her, and I'm so excited to watch her grow into a beautiful, quirky, wonderful human being!

To My Daughter On Her 1st Birthday

My beautiful, silly, funny little girl:

First of all: Happy Birthday Sweet Girl! You've learned so much since your first day in the big, scary world, and you've tackled it all with gusto and eagerness, and I love your adventurous spirit so very much (even though sometimes it tries my patience!)

Secondly, let me tell you how proud I am of you. I am SO proud, I beam with pride when I wear you around the city and you make people stop and smile and gush over you. Sometimes, you are very serious, and then out of nowhere you make someone's day by smiling your huge, adorable smile at them. You smile with your whole face and I just love that about you. You hold nothing back, and I hope you never change that. 

You are also exceedingly bright. You delight at learning new things and I love watching you figure out a new toy or puzzle, brow furrowed in deep concentration. You can be hard to keep entertained, yes... but it's so much fun trying to challenge you and watching you succeed.

Having you has changed me a lot. I have grown as a person a great deal, but I've also learned that my capacity to love someone was much greater than I ever thought possible. The things I would do for you and your protection and happiness are unimaginable. I had no idea I had that kind of strength in me. You have also taught me not to take things so seriously or personally. You've taught me not to sweat the small stuff.

You have also changed Daddy. Daddy is wonderful, as I know you already know, judging by the way you beam at him whenever he enters the room. But you helped him grow, too. He's learned how to care for another person and how to care for himself more as well. You have brought out the goofy side in him, and we both laugh as he bends over backwards trying to entertain you. He wants to be a good father for you, and because of you, I think he will be. 

Let's talk about milestones and your progress in sleeping, eating, and growing. You rolled over for the first time at 5 months exactly. You also crawled for the first time at 8 months exactly. You're very precise! You've been eating solid food since you were about 5 months old, and you have started eating more solid than puréed foods now. You are not a great eater! You tend to chew things a little and then deposit them into your cheeks. In time, as with everything else, you'll eventually get the hang of it. I've learned not to underestimate you.

Your sleeping has been up and down. We started sleep training around 3.5 months out of necessity - you fought sleep every night! At that time you would drift off on my arms after having your bottle but as soon as I very gently laid you down in your crib - POP! - eyes flew open and you were wide awake! You did very well during sleep training, which is good because I don't think I could have handled letting you cry. Sometimes, maybe once a month, rather than just rolling over and going to sleep, you babble a bit before you drift off. Sometimes, you get very mad at Mommy and I can hear you yelling at me! This doesn't last more than 5 minutes usually, and then you're out for the night. You don't know this, but every night once you've been quiet for a few minutes, Mommy always checks on you, very quietly and carefully. I have to do this to make sure you're sleeping peacefully, otherwise I don't sleep peacefully. You usually sleep through the night and I believe we are very lucky to have such a good sleeper. Sometimes, I wish I could hold you in my arms all night. But I've had to learn to let you grow independently, too. 

You were everything I wanted in a child. You are smart, curious, funny, and you are already kind. You rarely have tantrums, and you let us snuggle you way more than you probably want to be snuggled. I am so excited to go through life with you, hearing your first words, helping you take your first steps, cheering you on in sports or dance or music or art or whatever you feel passion for, and watching you grow, make mistakes, learn from them, then make more. Mistakes help us grow, and you should be free to make a few - to make several. I promise I will keep you safe from really big, scary mistakes though. I promise that you will always have a home with me. I promise that what is mine is yours. I promise to always be there, if someone makes you cry, if someone breaks you, I will be there. I will scoop you up, just like I do now when you have fallen down. I will kiss your face, wipe the tears away and make you laugh. 

I love you very much, my little monkey. You light up my life. 

Babies grow and grow and GROW.

My sweet little Morgan is already 7.5 months old!!!

How did that happen??

It happened in the blink of an eye. She went from coming into the world to putting on several pounds and inches, and we also discovered that she had a bit of an acid reflux issue. We had her on Ranitidine which is basically Zantac, but in syrup form and a super low dosage.

That was, lemme see... around this time:

And after we had her dosage right, the little Punk was right as rain. Completely different child! If I ever have a friend who has a baby with the same symptoms I will let her know. Changed our whole world.

So, time went on. My not so little one kept getting bigger and bigger. She ended up outgrowing her 3 month old clothing so fast that I think there were even some outfits or sleepers that she never wore.

Then I found that even her 6 month old clothing was too big. She's long, especially in her torso. Just like Daddy.

I took her to a new doctor who had some startling news for me, news that I did not take well. Don't worry, she wasn't sick. She never gets sick.

Our previous doctor, as well as the nurses who administered her vaccinations, all pegged her at the 95th percentile at each appointment. They also all said she was a healthy girl. This meant that she was big, very big, but developing normally and growing at a good rate, but meant that she was bigger than most babies her age.

The new doctor - a young man, who didn't appear to be overly interested in her health or her typical growth - found her to be in the 97th percentile now. And that, he said, was unhealthy. That made this Momma freak out. My baby, obese? Too heavy? Was this going to slow her progress? Was this going to stop her from maturing at the rate she was, and worst of all, was it MY fault?

... MY FAULT??

Of course, it wasn't that big of a deal. I have observed her. She rolls easily. She gets up on her hands and knees. She is currently 7.5 months and developing very normally. Why did I worry? She is a normal, healthy baby. See?

She has perfect chubby arms and legs and perfect chubster cheeks. She's happy and healthy and capable. She's strong. WOW is she strong. I had nothing to worry about.

I did still reduce her formula intake as he instructed me to, but honestly if I go back to the doctor and he says she's still too big, I know I did what was asked and it's not my fault. She's just a big baby.

And what else? She loves buttons. Anything she can push. She loves the puppy. She loves those little Gerber puff things and I find them everywhere. She doesn't care for pasta. She loves yogurt. She wants to pet the cats - desperately. She loves drawstrings, the ones on hoodies. She loves to be held and snuggled. She hates naps but never fusses at bedtime (what?)

She is not a good eater, go figure.

She loves her Nana and Grandpa. She loves loves LOVES fish. And water. And kicking her feet.

She loves tickles. She loves when Mommy kisses her cheeks or her neck or her tummy. She loves Daddy - LOVES Daddy. He is fascinating. He makes faces and she laughs uncontrollably. He sings silly songs and she is enthralled.

She doesn't like bibs and rips them off at every opportunity. She likes to sing to herself. She LOVES music.

Music makes her stop whatever she is doing, and puts her into a trance. She loves the melody most of all. A particular favourite of hers appears to be Debussy.

She uses her index finger to examine everything. With purpose and intense concentration.

She smiles - BEAMS - at complete strangers. Even if she's just been crying. ESPECIALLY if she's just been crying. She's a big faker. She's very convincing.

She's exceptional at restaurants. Give her a french fry to smoosh between her fingers and she'll entertain herself for quite some time.

She smiles with her whole face. Like this:

And even on our crappiest days, that smile makes it all worth while. That smile sends me to the moon. And I never ever thought I'd get there.

6 Weeks Old - Time Flies So Fast!

One thing I can say with absolute certainty about being a parent: our capacity to love another person grew by about a million percent the moment we laid eyes on her.

My little girl - my daughter - is 6 weeks old. I can't believe where the time has gone! In all honesty I can't really muster up an apology for not blogging  because, let's face it, spending time with this brand new little person is much more important than blogging about spending time with this brand new little person.

So, who is my little girl? At this stage, she's still mostly a glorified fetus, however she has started giggling, rarely, and when she smiles at me it makes me soar. My little Morgan sleeps about 6 hours straight on good nights, then wakes up for about a half hour for some food and cuddles, then sleeps usually another 3 or 4 hours. That's amazing!

She has her witching hours of course - usually around noon and again around 6 in the evening, as we are trying to settle her down for bed. After a couple of weeks discerning that she had a combination of gassiness and lactose overload, we have started to see a happier baby lately. She doesn't strain as much during her waking hours, and she naps better. Granted, she naps in her swing, but apparently anything goes up to 2 months of age.

The next few weeks will be a bit more challenging for us as we start to get her into a sleeping pattern at night, one in which we don't let her fall asleep in our arms before gently placing her in her crib. No - this time, we have to put her to bed drowsy and let her cry. Listening to my baby cry out for me is going to be utter torture.

40 Weeks & 6 Days - The Birth Story

My due date came and went, as expected, and with it went September. I recall joking with people about her waiting to show up until October back in my second trimester, but I never for a moment imagined she actually would arrive in October. I figured late, late September. I figured she'd share a birthday month with my sister and her boyfriend and several of my friends. The little lady had other plans.

And so, on a gorgeous, sunny fall day in October, Morgan Brynn Hall made her entrance into the world. October 1st, to be specific, at 6:51 in the morning. 

This is the birth story of my beautiful little girl.

Morgan Brynn Hall

9 lbs, 6 oz

21 inches

Born October 1st, 2014

6:51 a.m.

Tuesday, September 30th

3 a.m. - I woke up with what I immediately knew was a contraction. It hurt! But was very manageable. Was I concerned about what was to come? Absolutely. I silently cheered about the prospect of having the baby in the next 48 hours and put myself back to bed. 

4 a.m. - Second contraction. Needless to say, this was going to be slow. Over the next few hours, the went from 1 hour apart to 40 minutes to 30 minutes to 20 minutes, at which point I got up and had a shower. I'd read that showers can often stop false labour - but it didn't stop. I though this might be it!

6 to 7 a.m. - They started to get pretty close together, about 5 minutes apart and increasingly painful - though still manageable. As this went on for about an hour, I decided to follow my doctor's 5-1-1 rule: they were 5 minutes apart, lasting at least 1 minute, for at least an hour. So we grabbed everything and went to the hospital.

8 a.m. - In triage being monitored, and sadly discovered that I was still only at a 1. ONE! So they sent me home for more fun labour.

9 to 2 p.m - My sense of time gets a little fuzzy here. I was at home, labouring, watching Walking Dead. Some people may find it weird to watch zombie stuff on TV while labouring on the living room floor and walking around, but it worked for me. I think I did pretty good, breathing through the contractions and following my main goal - Do Not Lose Control. But the contractions were getting pretty tough and were about 3 minutes apart so, off we went to the hospital again. 

At this point, I was in some pain. I was sure that I'd progressed. Hopefully to a 3 but I'd settle for a 2! Surely I hadn't laboured for the last several hours in vain!

Checked. One. ONE!!! I was tired, and opted for the morphine shot. The doctors wanted me to walk around to help progress, but as that was what I had been doing for the last few hours, I figured my best bet was to sleep and let my body progress without me stressing about the pain.

3 - 7 p.m. - Pure bliss. I was out the moment my head hit the pillow and suddenly it was 5 p.m. The doctors wanted to see me at 5 but mentioned that if I was still tired I could continue to sleep, so, 2 hours later we went back.  

And that's what did the trick - 3 centimeters. I was officially in active labour! I was admitted (finally!) and pretty quickly, I got the lovely epidural!

Wednesday, October 1st

Sometime between 8 p.m. and 5 a.m. I was blissfully drifting in and out of a beautiful epidural dream. It was exactly the labour I wanted. I was rested and calm and prepared. 

I think it was around 5 a.m. that I started to feel some labour pains again and the nurse had me turn over a few times to distribute the epidural. It wasn't working though, and I was feeling pressure to push. They checked me and I was at an 8 but I felt much more than I thought I should be, pain wise. I was starting to get concerned, and then suddenly a wave of immense pain washed over me and all at once I shot up, yelled for a puke bucket and at that moment, Jared noticed that my pillow was wet. Wet with glorious, wasted epidural juice. 

The epidural had become disconnected. 

THE EPIDURAL HAD BECOME DISCONNECTED! I knew I was feeling more pain than I should have. Thankfully, they tracked down the anesthetist and they fixed it, but the problem was that I was in transition labour and it was time to push. I hoped that it would start to kick in before pushing commenced.

It didn't. 

I can't recall if I had tried a push or two at this point or if they just checked me, but the dreaded forceps came up. She was big, and her chest and belly and not to mention her head was big. They were concerned about her getting stuck and were sure that forceps would be needed.

I had a good long cry at this point. I didn't want any forceps or vacuum or anything in delivering her, and was terrified. I was also STILL IN PAIN! I accepted that I might have to allow for some interventions, got over myself, and tried to get back in control.

And then, it was time to push. Come what may.

Pushing hurt. It was a different kind of pain than the contractions, and I can't decide if it was worse or not. I just know that once she started coming out, I couldn't handle lolly gagging. I also knew that I was not going to go through this only to have forceps used as well!

"Can you see her head?" I asked at one point.

"Yes, but pushing will take a few hours, especially as you are a first time mom." Not very encouraging!

A few hours? I knew this going in, sure. But hearing them saying it while in the middle of pushing her out made that seem absolutely impossible. So, I pushed. I pushed so hard that I thought my head was going to explode. I envisioned holding my baby. I reminded myself that the pain would only go away once she was out. I remembered everything I had learned about pushing down and not into your chest. I worked hard. Damn hard. Time blurred and sped up and stood still all at the same time.

6:51 a.m. - A wriggling, screaming, huge baby girl was placed on my stomach. Pushing took twenty minutes. I'm impressed at what you can be motivated to do with a little pain.

And she was PERFECT. In every single way. She was big and strong, scored a 9 and a 9.5 on her apgar, was screaming and loud and perfect. Even her head was a perfect shape - so perfect you'd think she was a cesarean baby. 

I'm a little emotional looking back on it now (and sore - I tore and had an episiotomy but it was worth it.) I had a baby. A daughter. I HAVE a daughter, this perfect little being snoozing peacefully in her bassinet beside me, a sweet little baby girl, who I can't believe how much I love. 

It's true that you'll never know a love like this until it happens to you. It's the most amazing, life-altering, exhilarating experience in the entire world. I would lay my life on the line without a second thought for her, go through hours of torture for her, do anything for her. And she's only 13 days old! 

I am excited to watch Morgan grow up. I can't wait to watch her achieve all her milestones and learn and grow and become a person of her own. I am so, so lucky to be her mother. 

I have to say thank you here to Jared, who has stumbled along with me as we learn to be parents. It's not always easy but together we're working out a routine and a system. For the first time in both of our lives, we have someone besides each other to look after, and it's daunting. Also, wonderful.

I also want to thank my mom and dad, especially mom for putting up with the incessant phone calls both during the pregnancy and after the birth, as well as being there for me when Morgan arrived. I love my family so much and they've all welcomed Morgan in as though she's always been there - I am so happy that she's already so adored. 

Welcome to the world, Baby Morgan!   

40 Weeks & 3 Days - Beyond Uncomfortable!

Still pregnant. Sure it's only been three days past my due date but here's what I didn't realize might happen at this stage - I've had no definitive signs of anything happening at all that might point towards labour starting. I thought I'd have, you know... something. Anything. The tiniest little sign that labour was imminent, like some dilation or something. But nope, I feel normal (though uncomfortable) and haven't experienced anything especially interesting. The nesting phase has come and gone, though I do find that for some reason I am extremely happy in my very, very clean house. I've never found so much joy in a vacuumed carpet, ever. I'm relishing in it now because I know I'll have no time to do it later and we'll just have to live with dog and cat hair a little bit.

I just feel like we're ready to enter the next phase. We have her room, she has clothes and toys and a life here already. She's already a part of our lives and she's not even here yet. I'm a Mother but I can't hold my baby - yes I realize I'm holding her inside me, but it's different! I want to get to know her face, her eyes, her skin, her smell, and of course, her personality. I'm ready to watch her grow and learn.

I have an induction scheduled for Thursday morning, so at least I'll have some idea if nothing happens by then. I at least know that by Friday, or possibly the early hours of Saturday, I'll have my baby.

Finally.

How far along?: 40 weeks & 3 days

Baby is the size of a(n): Jack Fruit (and apparently roughly 9 lbs.)

Total weight gain/loss:  38 lbs (possibly due to being in an "I am 3 days overdue so I'm going to eat this 2nd cupcake, dammit" frame of mind.) 

The Bump: I feel like I look smaller. Maybe the rest of me is getting bigger .... 

Symptoms/How I'm feeling: Frustrated. I think I've gotten everything out of this pregnancy that I possibly can, as has my Baby, and at this point we're just going downhill. I feel like my body is starting to fight off this big belly, as though it's decided that enough is enough. Hopefully that will throw me into labour.

Food Cravings/Aversions: I just want comfort food. I don't really care about what I'm eating. It's pretty bad, but I think subconsciously, I realize that she is basically done cooking in there and won't benefit as much from my healthy diet. So not true, but that's what I believe is happening.

Sleep: The other night I slept so well, like I did before I was pregnant. I thought hey, maybe that means I'll luck out and have the baby today, since I'm so well rested! Nope. And haven't had a night like that since. 

Weddings Rings On or Off: Off. My hands are pretty puffy! I really hope I can wear them again without having to re-size them. After a while, you start to wonder.

Exercise: None. Some walking. I am trying to walk as much as possible but with a baby putting so much pressure on your pelvis, it's pretty hard. and Painful.

Any Names Picked Out Yet: Yes! TBA at birth.

Gender: Girl!

Movement: Starting to slow down a bit. I believe she's fine, just running out of space. I haven't felt the need to call the hospital or anything.

Maternity Clothes: 100% (besides yoga pants) and some most of them just aren't cutting it anymore! I feel like I'm doing a wash every few days because my wardrobe is so tiny.

Labor Signs: Nope. Thought I was feeling contractions last night, but it may have just been her moving.

What I miss: Everything about not being pregnant! But it will be worth it.

Best Moment of the Week: Thinking I might be going into labour. But I wasn't. :(

What I’m excited about/looking forward to: Her arrival. My new life as a mom. Putting pregnancy (and maternity clothes) behind me.

40 weeks - No Signs of Baby Yet

I guess a certain little person is far too cozy in there. It's strange - today is my due date and I've read a lot of blog posts from other expectant mothers who had some disappointment on their due dates when Baby never made an appearance. Maybe I'm just acutely aware that most babies are in fact not born on their due dates, or maybe it's that I haven't had a single, exciting sign that labour is imminent. Either way, I just don't feel that disappointed. I wasn't expecting her today, so it's just another day.

I have plans to vacuum and tidy up, so who knows - maybe that will kick off labour! I do have a bumpdate today though, just in case it's my last one before she's here:

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How far along?: 40 weeks!

Baby is the size of a(n): Jack Fruit (and apparently roughly 9 lbs.)

Total weight gain/loss:  35 lbs 

The Bump: I haven't noticed a huge difference in size, but she's moving downwards so the shape of my belly is different.

Symptoms/How I'm feeling: Just, big. I can't do anything anymore without considering careful belly placement. I'm hungry but food is not helping (I think everything is going to the baby) and I'm tired but can't sleep. I have to pee all the time but nothing happens! So frustrated at this point!

Food Cravings/Aversions: Nothing at this stage. I've been just trying to eat relatively healthy and prepare for D-Day.

Sleep: Hard again. Super restless. I think that's just because she's on her way. Plus my belly is just too huge to be comfortable sleeping with.

Weddings Rings On or Off: Off. My hands are pretty puffy!

Exercise: Not really. Some housework, but truthfully I get pretty wiped out pretty quickly. 

Any Names Picked Out Yet: Yes! TBA at birth.

Gender: Girl!

Movement: Still moving a fair amount, and it hurts! I could see from the ultrasound that she's pretty squished in there.

Maternity Clothes: 100% (besides yoga pants) and some most of them just aren't cutting it anymore!

Labor Signs: Not especially. I feel her moving down, but nothing is happening. Feeling relatively normal.

What I miss: Everything about not being pregnant! But it will be worth it.

Best Moment of the Week: Seeing her in the ultrasound. So exciting! Except for finding out just how big she's measuring! I could see her face though and it just made it so real! She has chubby cheeks and looks altogether fat and cute!

What I’m excited about/looking forward to: Baby day!!! What else is there at this point??